Half Full
So, I mentioned to hubby, since I have not enough money to enroll this Fall semester for the labs/classes I need at the University's Tulsa Campus(I am too late to enroll anyhow for the Oct. semester) I think I will take on a part-time job. Hubby just stood there with this look on his face like I just told him "I was kidnapped by Aliens and was converting to Scientology." He said, " you cannot be serious?" Me, "umm, hell yes, I am serious." hubby, " where, when,? I dont think its a good idea." Remember, hubby thinks mothers should not work outside of the home, ever. Really. His redneck self actually thinks that is the right thing. (sometimes, his old-fashioned beliefs make me want to choke the living cr*p outta him) His mother never worked outside of his childhood home, except for charity work. Writing these things about him kinda makes it look like I am throwing him under the bus...maybe so-he does work hard, he is a pretty good father but I am sure y'all can see where I am coming from.
So, you can imagine my position here. I have felt since the day he talked me out of working full-time, that he has finally won. Won what? I am not sure how to describe it but nonetheless, I feel like Ive lost in a huge way but then Ive gained in a huge way more freedom and time with my kids. I definately do not miss my old job, but I miss the satisfaction of a daily job well-done...I hope I am making sense. One would think I should be happy, but I am not. Some people would even go so far to say "I'd bitch if I was hung with a new rope." Hell yes I would, especially if it was my new Smith Bros. rope. Those things arent cheap!
Hubby's last words on the subject, "well, you can always get more horses to ride, bring them here like you used to, that always keeps you busy." There are only so many horses in our area that need training, many people want me to come to them, I understand that-but with Toddler Terror it is not easy. Yes, riding other people's horses always keeps me busy, Toddler Terror keeps me busy, running to and from town to school and football practices/games keeps me busy too. Once in awhile, I want to ride my own horse when I want to, not when I can squeeze in 30 minutes or an hour in between everyone else's schedule. Yep, I definately am sounding like a whiney spoiled brat....oh well. One thing I did do, was schedule an appointment next tuesday with a headstart type daycare center in the community South of mine, the opposite way I take son #1 to school. But, Ive heard good stuff about this place, it is also an Indian Nation ran outfit and if they have an opening, I can send TT there for a few hours a day 2-3X a week! I hope he his eligible and his upcoming surgery doesnt hurt his chances for a spot in the program. Geesh, those kind of good daycare places are few and far between, not to mention in high demand. Also, my pickiness doesnt help...
My cup is half full why cant I just be satisfied with that? Is it wrong to ask for more? That is the BIG question...
No more whining from me. I promise. I'll be too busy and too tired from working cattle shipping to feel like complaining. I am only working 2 half days but heck, its spent in the saddle, outside, doing something I love and getting paid to do it. TT is going to his Aunties from 8 am-11 am in the mornings....poor Wee One, the mean Auntie too. But, she runs an in-home daycare and she is trustworthy, and I need this in order to keep my sanity. Not to mention the money...Its only for 2 days, TT can handle it, I hope. Just 2 days at the mean Aunties..
My friend brian wrote this poem.
"Lonesome Rider"
alone she rides with her thoughts
the horizon always beyond her reach
a future there that cannot be caught
all around her bright colors leach
change of seasons blowing through
soon to come from northern skies
life a struggle must try to renew
alone she rides with heavy sighs.
Thank you brian.
posted by BarnGoddess_01 at 9/13/2006
12 Comments:
I can definitely relate to feeling trapped when my hubby farmed. I had three little kids at home and there is only so much a person can do. We did have horses but I didn't know much about them (I was a city girl). I did do some charity work, which turned into a job eventually and like you I took classes at the local college. I will pray about this for you. In the meantime you are not having a midlife crisis. What you are feeling is really normal.
BG - girl, Sounds to me like you require a little independence to satiate your feelings. The cattle hauling is a good thing. No TT to worry about, just the horse & the cows. The HUBBY has some issues with strong women, apparently. He doesn't understand why what you're doing isn't quite enough. He doesn't seem to connect with your goals. He doesn't really want any changes. I don't know how you'll solve these issues, but an antidepressant isn't it. You two need to communicate without yelling at or chastising each other. This may be an issue in itself. ((( HUGS ))) to you. Let me know if you need to vent! D :)
Morning BG, okay, I have to ask, at this point in my life, with my ending job thing, does your husband have a brother? I could handle not having to work & worry about feeding 3 kids!! J/K! I've been there though, sort of, and you see where I ended up!! It will work itself out. I have faith. Stay strong and do what you want to do.
i understand that need to feel purposeful...i send you good thoughts and to your hubby so you can go where your heart leads you.
I can relate as well. I do paralegal work from home and if I didnt have that to make me feel like an adult or something other than mom I think I would be more crazed than I am.
I,like most, can certainly understand where you are coming from with this post. While I do not think anti-depressants are your answer, at least, read this and think about it...Wally World even has a wall lined with these supplements..Some females have even wrote songs about this..I do not know that there is a pat answer..perhaps knowing you are not the only one may help..Good luck!And Butterfly chic..Get away from that cliff!!
*snip*
Those of you on anti depressants and would like to try an alternative, ask
your doctors or investigate the vitamin called 5 HTP. You can buy it in the
health food store. It has Saratonin and black cohash and other ingredients
that are mood friendly. Several of my friends have started taking it in
place of Welbruitin and Prozac and like this better. Said it was like coming
out of a fog. They can sleep better and has fewer/ if any side effects.
Google it. Ask your doctor but it appears to be a very good alternative.
I think that a partime job would be great for you....you need more that what your getting now. Not to mention TT will benefit from the interaction with other wee ones. I was a stay @ home mom for a while and I loved it, I would do it again if I could.....BUT it is not for everyone and there were times that I didn't feel as if I was contributing enough even though I know my ex couldn't have taken care of the kids 24/7 even if he wanted to. Don't feel bad for wanting more....you are a GREAT mother and you're kiddos will be fine either way.
Sidenote: Becareful on anti-depressants, last year my MD put me on Welbutrin....it made me feel a lot better but one of the side effects are seziures and it caused me to have one and be hospitalized.
butterflychic26-I know a lot of people who take anti-deps..I am feeling leftout!The cliff is NOT the answer fer sure....c'mon down to okieville..we'll solve our mental issues w/ a few cocktails :)while we visit about our weenie dogs.
kathleen marie-thnx! its been awhile since Ive felt somewhat 'normal' atleast I dont feel like Im doomed anymore :)
bri-mooooooo..like I said they are the dumbest creatures on this earth, but very tasty!
diane-I got some fresh air today, I feel tons better, believe me!
sailormoon-yes, 1 brother that is currently single but you wouldnt want that one. He is somethin' else....
kt-thnx : )
kel-yep, I can so relate to all the 2-3 yo's I come into contact with, I forget how to speak like an adult-scary!
anon-Ill ask my MD about it when I tell him I think I am crazy and need some anti-deps
redneckgirl-thnx for the warning-that is something I am definately worried about.
**I am off to wash the stinky cattle smell away** ack!
BG - Who's horse & calf? Just a pic or did you take it? The pic is SO cute! Move along, little doffie! Yehaw! :) Glad the fresh air did you good. D
I understand exactly how you feel. You know you're blessed with so much, but something is missing. You feel like you shouldn't be asking for more, but you're just not happy with the way things are. I've been there.
It's so hard when you're "empty." Life is too short to be unhappy. If you want a job, you get one! Case closed. Your husband should have enough respect for YOU, that if having a job, even a part-time job, means so much to you, HE SHOULD SUPPORT YOU.
I understand he wasn't raised that way, but as man and wife, you are two unique people. You aren't your parents. You do what is right for you. I understand the need to be busy. When you're idle, you have too much time to think- and that leads to depression.
Having something to look forward to, or something to do, keeps the brain busy, and mind happier. I do enjoy being a housewife, I'd give anything if I could once again, but that's only because I stay so busy with friends and family when I don't work.
You bitch anytime you like- that's what this blog is for, for your thoughts and feelings, no matter what they might be. We're all here to listen, and help if we can. Best wishes- and if you need ANYTHING, I'm here, anytime. *Hugs*
I understand where you're coming from. But if my husband told me I could stay home and not work. I would fall over dead right there. Even thought I don't want to stay at home all the time. But I would like a job that I like to do. Not having to worry about how much it payed.
I typed a post and it totally funked out on me at school this afternoon. I was pissed!
I totally understand your position on the FUNK! You and I really have a lot in common~ You will finish your degree..one day at time.. Right now I think you are needed as a mommie! And from what I read you sound like a great mom! I guess others see us differently than we see ourselves! It can be a bitch at times!
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