Lost Faith.......

Last night, when I finally laid my exhausted head down on my pillow, I was awake for sometime. As I listened to my better half's deep and steady breathing, I felt myself relax as I reflected over the day gone by. It was by far the best day of the week. The weather was perfect and we all took advantage of it. I spent a good hour of quality time with my old guy, gave him a good grooming. But the best part of the day was my hour long phone conversation with my best friend L. We have been playing phone tag all week and yesterday it took 3 calls but we finally hooked up. When I hung up the phone, I realized how much I dislike the fact that we are so busy we hardly have any time to just 'hang out' anymore. I vowed to change this on my behalf, since she has to work, my schedule is more flexible than hers.

Last week, I had 3 people ask me if I was attending mass at the Catholic Church. I suppose it being Lent and all, and being raised and schooled Catholic, some might expect I attend. But, those close to me know that is not likely to occur anytime soon.

I was a practicing Catholic when I was younger, over half of my life. I would not call myself atheist -- agnostic is probably closer -- but I've definitely had a shift. Life lessons have taught me that there is a way to retain spirituality (of a sort) without adhering to dogma. More than once, I've noticed that some Christians have a vastly different concept of Christianity than mine and were (excuse the sweeping unfair generalization) often one-sided jerks really made me rethink my identification with that group. Values are important, and I have a myriad of Christian beliefs and some that are regarded anti-Christian. A few of my beliefs: I believe strongly in the death penalty, abortion is a woman's choice (as long it is not utilized as birth control), and I am not against euthanasia in some instances. Where do my values fit in with Christianity and Catholicism? They don't. Hypocrites run rampant in religion. I refuse to agree with certain beliefs when inside my heart, I cannot change the way I feel. Life is not fair, but in the Bible it is stated numerous times God is 'just and fair'. If God created life, why isin't it fair? Then the answer to that question is: the story about Adam and Eve. Buying into all of the symbolism and rituals is difficult for me, I am an analyzer, I like scientific methods and finding out 'how' and 'why'.

Believing in God, Heaven, and the Afterlife is important for children. I am raising both my sons to believe in God and adhere to the 10 Commandments. Both are baptized Catholic but my oldest attends the Assembly of God for thier unique and interesting Youth Group. He doesnt like the ritualistic Catholic Mass, but at the same time he thinks all the shouting and falling down at the Assembly is silly. My main concern is he is learning good values, I could care less what denomination it comes from. When my children are grown adults, they can make thier own educated decision about thier own faith. My husband (thier father) is a not devoutly religious either. I know he says prayers and thank's God everyday for the good things, but church isint high on his priority list. People nearly fall over form shock when they find out Preacher M. at the sizable Baptist Congregation in our home town is my husband's oldest brother. Preacher M. is loved at his church, probably because he doesnt put on airs (like some preachers) and he comes from a salt of the earth background. In many ways I can see where my husband (S.) gets his spirituality. This is the only area in our relationship I have ever felt inadequate-I am not as 'deep' spiritually or as 'deep' with my feelings-making me feel I am cheating him. Writing these blog entries are about as deep as I get.

Most likely, I'll keep on wondering about my faith, and learning more, possibly changing how I feel. Who knows? It is a great mystery.

I have to add one more thing-from all the latin classes I had in my 12 year parochial schooling made college Latin a breeze! I still think up little latin quotes inside my head at times. Some of my favorites:

absit invidia: no offense intended
Cogito, ergo sum: I think, therefore I am
Fac ut gaudeam: make my day
Flocci non facio: I dont give a damn
Illud iterum dicere potes!: you can say that again!