Horses Misbehavin' or Just Bein' Horses..........

While one's horse is bucking....

Ensure that you have an audience. There is absolutely no point in being embarrassed by your horse unless there are, oh, say a hundred people around to watch. This way, you will have made them feel better about their own inadequacies, and you won't have to go into tedious detail explaining to everyone you know exactly how it happened. It is considered good form if at least one of the audience members is either:

1. Someone you admire and want to impress; or

2. Someone you despise and don't want to give any ammo to; or

3. Someone you have the hots for and want to impress; or

4.. Your best friend, who will have no trouble in falling over, laughing and pointing.

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The Horse Manual of Appropriate Behavior

Snorting: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family horse, to accommodate them.
Neighing: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially very late at night.
Chewing: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.
Bedding: It is good manners to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
Dining: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two-year-old, right?).
Doors: Any door, even partially open, is an opportunity for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will happily chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
Nuzzling: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles and apparently, damp clothing.
Playing: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!
Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, advance swiftly, stamp your feet, and neigh louder to show your concern

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In order to get along with horses, its best to know how they think. So, here's a list of everyday things defined by our equine friends:

Defined by Horses

Bucking = Counterirritant
Jump = An opportunity to stop for grass
Crossties = Gymnastic apparatus
Fence = Barrier that protects good grazing
Hitching rail = Means by which to test one's strength
Bit = Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive tissues of the mouth
Arena = Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion
Dressage = Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit
Horse Trailer = Mobile cave bear den
Hot Walker = Lesser of two evils
Gate Latch = Type of puzzle
Grain = Sole virtue of domestication
Longeing = Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay
Owner = Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding
Rider = Owner overstepping his bounds
Farrier = Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply
Trainer = Owner with mob connections
Veterinarian = Flightless albino vulture

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