His Scarred Heart

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can never have them

He still had those same big, liquid, brown eyes framed by dark lashes. My breath was caught in my chest. I knew he saw me because our eyes met. I sat there thinking how glad I was that I wore my hair down and dressed in my new gypsy blouse M. brought back from Ole Mexico for me yesterday. The top goes perfect with my faded denim capris paired with the new beaded sandals I purchased in early spring. Thinking like a teenager, I scolded myself. Feeling flustered is an alien emotion for me and I didnt like it. It had been over a year since I had seen him last at a Glenpool money roping. He had taken 2nd place that night riding his paint gelding and looked mighty fine doing it. I busied myself fussing with son #2's stroller buckle and getting him situated and safely strapped inside. When I was satisfied that toddler terror was tied down tight with no means of escape, I stood up and saw him approaching. His badge on his hip was shiny in the hot sun, catching the high noon sunlight. When he reached me, he smiled, his white teeth nearly glowing against his tan face. I felt my heart flutter momentarily, then came quickly to my senses and put on my pleasant but showing no-emotions poker face. He looked thinner, almost gaunt for his big framed body. I wanted to ask him if he was still working too much, sleeping too little, risking his life damn near every night on the job, but I didnt. Instead, we exchanged hellos and he got down on 1 knee and gave toddler terror a high 5, commented on son #2's curls. I knew he always wanted children of his own, he just hadnt met the right woman yet. I figure he probably wont ever either because his heart is scarred. He is a good man, reserved, and old school. He looks like he could be a heart-breaker but that is the furthest from the real truth. He married his high school sweetheart right out of school, she was killed by a drunk driver. He remarried a woman who resented his law enforcement job and the nights he left her alone, so she had 2 affairs and left him after she thought he would never quit police work-just before she left he was ready to change careers just to make her happy, he loved her. He then became involved with a workaholic, high maintenance RN. She was sure they were not a serious couple even after they dated for 5 years, until he and I became close friends, then she gave him an ultimatum regarding our friendship. I told him we could never be anything more than friends, I had a husband and a family, even tho I was having some major relationship problems with S. (husband) and some huge stress issues at work regarding travel to another state often and serious Supreme Court deadlines I had to meet. It was a time in my life I was flying blind and he was like my radar who guided the way. He listened when I needed an ear, he was silent when I needed silence, he made me laugh when I needed a good laugh, he gave me huge bear hugs when I needed just a hug. He brought me fresh hot coffee at work when I was sleepy, he let me crash at his house when I was drunk, and he let me go when I asked him to even tho it hurt him deeply.

We talked briefly about his drug task force investigator position, and of course, our horses. Toddler terror was on his best behavior, I have no idea why. My cell phone rang inside my purse, I looked at my purse half pissed off someone was calling me and half happy for the distraction. My phone beeped when it went to voicemail. He said he had better get going, he was on his way to work. I said goodbye, he said goodbye and started to walk away. Like a dumbass, I was still standing there watching him leave, getting one more glimpse of his broad shoulders, and cute backside, when he turned abruptly around. I am sure I was standing there looking like an idiot, he half jogged back to where I was standing and asked if I wanted to have lunch sometime, just lunch he said, he just wanted to catch up. I said maybe. He left it at that and me standing there by the bird seed display. Deep inside my heart, I knew I would not be calling him.....